What if he’s fallen ill- worse yet, lost his phone? Better check his Last seen. 5 minutes ago? May be he’s texting someone from work. Yes, of course he’s busy with work- today’s Monday. That must be it.
I’ll send a follow up message just in case.
Blue ticks? BLUE TICKS?
Just Mom -.-
I knew the girl on the subway wasn’t a maternal cousin. Do I look like I was born yesterday? Hmm, may be that exclamation mark was a bit too much, I should’ve stopped at “hi”.
Wait a minute, I look chubby in my last Instagram picture. Is that what it is?
I need my girlfriends. Sheila was right, he wasn’t that cute also. I’ll do better- this is the universe’s way of telling me. I’ll check my horoscope to see if it says something about this.
Don’t worry Beta, it’s just like T(h)inder.
For those of you who have fortunately (or unfortunately) let their family/ loved ones find them a ‘Suitable partner’ online, here are my top concerns: Disclaimer: 1. All instances are purely fictitious (debatable)
2. This is not meant to hurt anyone’s feelings. If it does, here’s a tissue. There,there.
Start young: Mum used to say this and I’ve never listened to her- but guys, Shady.com has a filter for 18-24 year old girls. I repeat, 18-24. That makes us 25 year olds Aunties in shaadi age. No, I don’t care if the pesky kid next door calls me Aunty.
Hello makers of shady.com, unless it’s mental age you’re talking about- get yourselves checked.
Pro tip: Shady.com has an awkward blog too. Go read for the laughs!
Horoscopes: Apparently the same horoscopes can be considered a match or a disaster according to the astrologer you choose to visit. Also, where’s the creep filter on horoscopes when you need one?
A girl has no hope AKA Mangliks: Don’t get me started about marrying trees. Actually, it is not so bad. If people cared for trees as they cared for husbands, we wouldn’t need the Paris Climate change agreement after all. The UN called? Tell them my dates are full.
The Bio-data: I’ve spent all my life filling in the blanks of my professional bio-data that I didn’t even know that marriage bio is a thing. If I were to make mine, here’s how it would go:
<Insert nervous looking photo>
Age: 25 (hehehe)
Interests: I just want to chill, you know
About me: Dysfunctional
Family background: Have you watched New York minute? (If you haven’t we cant be friends)
Complexion: Refer to photo
Hair color: Refer to photo
Eye color: Refer to photo
Weight: Now you’re just being mean.
Website Bios: “Hello this is Aman. I am foregn educated from simple family. Myself engineer looking for girl who can cook Chinese dishes and serve with smile. If you are my Naina, pls send rishta <3”
In conclusion, if any prospective MILs are reading this, I’d like to say “Hi. Myself Maneesha. Makes great pasta, does aarti once a day….”
As I bid adieu to Bangalore, here are a few things about the city that I will miss.
Time: Going for an important meeting? Don’t worry, as you will get unlimited preparation time in the car while you are stuck in traffic. This time can alternately be utilized in surveying Snapchat filters and trying to find a respectable Hindi radio station.
Dosa: Spicy potato mush lovingly ensconced in thin, crisp, fried rice batter lined with a layer of spicy red (magic) powder. The dingier and more unhygienic the place, the tastier their dosas will be. You can thank me later.
Auto wallas: You can never get enough of hating Bangalore auto wallas. The desire for receiving a ‘Howdhu’ from them will beat the times you’ve daydreamed of hearing the same word from your crush.
Extended night life: The curfew on the city has recently been extended to 1 AM. God bless us, everyone.
Start up- shut down: ‘Tis the city of start-ups, no surprises there. In case you’ve always dreamt of dramatically walking out of an MNC after submitting the week’s notice, you will definitely find a start-up to lend your brain to.
Small world: Wherever you chose to hang out in Bangalore, you will always meet people you know. This tells us:
a. The world is round
b. You should’ve gotten your hair dyed blonde last month while you had a chance
(Not the least) The Chill: May the chill linger in our hearts forever.
Fun fact: Did you know Bangalore is called the Garden city? Wait, but why.
Until next time.
Having a lot of friends who owned goldfishes in school and college, I have come to know these amazing creatures in close (too close?) detail. As we near the holiday season, it is only natural that the inhabitants of SingleVille look for partnership and what better partner can you have than a pet right? A pet is always there, a pet understands.
So for all of you confused souls who don’t know what species to choose as your soulmate, here are my reasons for suggesting the Carassius auratus. Humor and science. Sometimes I outdo myself.
They are the best secret keepers: You know those annoying friends who can’t keep a secret? Well, goldfishes won’t do that. You can spill your heart out to them and they would’ve forgotten what you started with by the end of the tirade.
Also, they are in a bowl, so they cant get up and leave, which is what people do. So..Which one was Gautam again? Perfect.
Goldfish abbreviates to GF for you Lonely Boys: You might think this is stupid. But,
Friend: What are you doing on New Year’s Eve?
Me: Hanging out with my GFs. Sorted.
They are super fun: Mix some coffee in their water, teach them to jump hoops, throw in a plastic shark..the possibilities are endless! Of course, I’ve never tried any of those. SHUT UP.
They are the perfect bad day cure: Observing fish swimming around in its little bowl during a bad day reminds me of how limited my world view is and the bigger things (like global warming) and suddenly my problems are not so huge anymore. Definitely not huger than the hole in the ozone layer in the stratosphere.
Apparently, they gather information by eavesdropping: Hey, that’s how I gather information too! We are so similar, we could be best friends.
Here are 5 quick realizations you have, once you start earning:
A Zara top becomes a ZARA top:
As in -‘I can’t afford to spill paint on this. It’s Zara’ Materialistic? Well, atleast now you know what to expect.
You actually start reading those ‘Saving money for independent women’ bits on Cosmo:
Once upon a time, I didn’t need that ish. Now, it’s my Bible.
You start hating taxes-government-politicians-Donald Trump-Lindsay Lohan-..
The first week of every month is party time and the last week is Maggi time:
Much like the ant and grasshopper story, only you’re stuck in the grasshopper’s role- FOR LIFE.
You’re always searching for alternate ways to make more money:
You’ve googled ‘Easy ways to make money from home’. Admit it. We’ve all done that. And those upstarts who make money from home? Pft. Phoney.
What I’m saying is this- adulting is hard. I don’t think I was created to remember the prices of trivial things like petrol and potatoes. So now if you’ll excuse me, I need to place this tiara back on my head (and take the metro to work today).
*Alarm goes off* *Snooze*
I want to kill someone! Can I call in sick? May be I am sick. I feel a little fuzzy in the head. Temperature feels fine- unless, it’s one of those hidden fevers. Yeah, yeah Jen had one, may be I got it from her! *Cough* I can’t go to work and spread the fever. I must not. It’s my responsibility towards mankind. Yeah I’m being responsible by not going.
Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts. What a beautiful day! I can literally smell the sunshine. Oh, that’s just last night’s dishes.
Do I really need a job? May be I should get one of those jobs where you don’t have to wake up in the morning, or wake up at all. Like in Inception, yeah I could do that. I miss not having to have a job.
A Zara jacket has been calling out to me all summer.
Zara Jacket: Yeee!!!! Look at me! I am on 50% sale. 2500 bucks ONLY!
Me: 2500 bucks?! That’s a lot for a jacket. That too in summer. I don’t need you.
ZJ: Look at all these cool badges, look at this khakhi color. I am perfect for your style.
Me: *Must not give in. Must not give up. Must be strong*
ZJ: Laaaast piece, in your size too. We are MEANT TO BE..
Me: *Runs out of Zara & into Shopper’s Stop* Ha! Nothing can tempt me in here.
ZJ (through telepathy): You know you want it. Come and get it. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT. COME AND GET IT.
Me: (Hypnotic) Must.have.Zara.Jacket
*Marches into Zara to find ZJ missing*
Me: ARGHH!!!! How could you betray me? I thought we were meant to be!
ZJ: You’ve lost your chance. Now search for me in all the other Zaras you fool.
Me: Charlatan. Upstart. Selfish little…argh! I really wanted that ZJ 😦